D stands for Depression.

Depression, it has found me. I am just days away from having said goodbye to Carl, and I am flooded with decision after decision after decision. People are coming by my childhood home where I am staying to drop off food and everyone wants to just drop by. They all just want to be sad with me. I get it. I just feel so shut down.

Sometimes you just want to be alone so you can actually hear the rattling in your head. I am not sure why when someone dies, people want to smother you. I know it comes from a loving place, but is it that they think they are being supportive? Because I am still in disbelief. Either way I am learning about myself and I am trying my best to be available for others because they lost Carl too. What I am trying to remember is they want to offer some type of comfort, but there is no words or actions that come close to what I have actually lost. I am sad my husband’s body is alone in a fridge. I am sad I won’t hear his voice call my name again. I am sad.

I sink a little lower into numbness everyday. Sleep is interrupted, and I lie awake at night thinking “what now?” But during the day I have to stay up and alert. There is so much to do.

The lack of feeling shows when I look in the mirror my eyes have turned a different color. I am not trying to be cold, but there is nothing but ice running through my veins. Tears roll freely in the shower because it is the only place they seem to be drowned out.

I don’t know how long this will last or if it will ever go away. It’s the moments of silence that you lean your head out to try and hear your loved one’s voice again.

Depression has started and sinking in and I am drowning in it.