Run.... That is what I feel like doing. Except I hate running. Really. I can spin on a bike, lift weights, jump rope, throw a ball across a parking lot and hop. (and I hate hopping) but more than anything I really hate to run.
The Run, I mention above is the one I want to do in my head that moves nauseously with my stomach. It’s a weird feeling I get a couple of times a year. Once when it comes close to Carl's anniversary of dying and the other is the New Year when I measure my life.
These last few days have been about Carl, and as we inch closer into the month of September I feel it heavier and heavier in my heart.
I am hopeful that one day I will not feel this way but let's face it, it has been 3 years. 3 years since I was paralyzed. So, I tell myself I should be over it. I have friends who are widows that are already dating. Moving on with their lives. But in the words of my niece Victoria, "I just can't!"
Maybe I tell myself it's because I don’t get out, or I have started alienating. (again)
Maybe this is just how it is going to be.
I have conversations with myself, "it's ok. Tomorrow will be different." But I know it's all the same. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy, as happy as I can be without Carl. My kids fill me up and we have enough energy and joy to last forever. I am so thankful for them.
But Run is what I feel like doing, so I think I shall try and do the other running, the actual running. It might make me feel good and tired so my mind stops wanting to Run.