We cross over into Colorado from New Mexico. A cheer goes out in the front of the car and I take a deep breath in the back seat. So many emotions are running through my head and my heart aches. How I will sleep in our bed where Carl was restless his final days of his life?

I am scared. There is a sense of fear I am having about going back to the place he took his final steps. The memories of him dying right in front of me and me not being able to help him are destroying me.

My heart sinks as I walk out of my childhood home and get into the rental car taking me, Carl’s ashes, Adyn and our friend Pat back to Denver. San Antonio. I will never think of you the same way again. You will be the place I saw the clouds break when I was holding Carl in my arms and I burst into tears so loud I thought my head would burst open.

You were warm and muggy with mosquitos biting me as I walked outside the Hospice Facility to drown out the inevitable. You were the warm arms that embraced me the minute I stepped outside after Carl died.